Sorry for bothering you tonight but I just needed someone or something to listen to me. I don’t know what to feel right now. I just wanted to cry and say something shit out loud. The reason why I’m saying this? Well, my life became chaos when I answered “yes” to someone that I think that does not love me the way I love him. I love him so much that I even sacrificed everything even my pride for him just to keep our relationship a secret. Yes! A SECRET to everyone, especially to his so called “barkada”. I’m so fucked up to this set-up. It’s like me inside the box and I cannot go out without his consent. It’s just that, I cannot tell the world that I’m inlove with him and vice versa. Every time I ask him to tell his friends about it, he gets mad at me and then there came WORLD WAR III. And it keeps me sad whenever I think about it. I get hurt and “break-up” thingy will just pop-up into my head. But I don’t have the guts to end our relationship. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do. And last night, I felt so alone and all I can think is to text or call him to cheer me up. But the opposite happened. He is too busy to bother things about me. He didn’t even notice that I had a problem. And then I was like, “What the hell?! Can you please give me some of your time? Hello? I’m sad here and I need you”. The thing is, he is not there when I needed him the most. He is not there when I expected him to be with me. I hate that idea.
Another thing that bothers me is about my EX and my BESTFRIEND. Yeah! Cliché, right? Well, about my ex, there came a night when he is calling me and I kept on turning off my phone. Why? Because he has his girlfriend already. I don’t want to ruin their relationship. I’m just so afraid that they might end up their relationship all because of me. And then, that night, I texted him what’s the matter and why he is calling me in the middle of the night. He said, he just wanted to say goodnight and hear my voice. And I was like, “What? Are you serious? “. I told him that it might become a problem to their relationship but he said, he doesn’t mind since his girlfriend doesn’t know everything about me. But that night, all I can think about is my boyfriend. Why? Because maybe this might also ruin our relationship. Thinking that my ex is still in love with me gives shiver into my entire body. I know it’s to confidential but we only ended up our relationship because his parents thought that our relationship might damage our college life and our career in the future. In short, we broke up because his parents thought I’m just a distraction to him. He became my inspiration and our relationship motivated me to study harder but he withdrew everything and nothing left me the night we broke up except for pain it caused me. Yes, I already moved on but the idea that he found someone else to replace me is too sad and painful. I thought he just broke up with me because his parents wanted him to focus on his studies and no love life for him, but what happened now? The past kills me sometimes. And yeah, the reason why I and my boyfriend keep our relationship to the world because he and my ex are friends and our relationship might destroy their friendship, that’s what my boyfriend told me. But I don’t think so. Well, he is just thinking about himself not even bothering to consider my feelings. I hate him for that. Yeah! I really hate him for that and the thing he did to me last night and today. It is really true that the one you love the most will also hurt you the most.
I have three best friends, one girl and two boys. Well, the other best friend is like, a girl-girly. Haha. And my girl best friend and my girl-girly best friend are in the line of my family. The other one, the boy best friend is not. He’s a high school friend of mine. When we are still in high school, our batch mates kept on teasing me to him, even today. Like, “What the hell! I have my boyfriend! Hello? Are you all thinking?” And the time when my Ex called me, my boy best friend confessed to me that he loves me and it started in high school. I don’t want to be absurd here but yeah, I busted him easily. Why? It’s not because it will ruin our friendship or my relationship to my boyfriend, it’s just that he is not my type and all I feel about him is just only as a friend. I pity him for that but I think he deserves better than me. I hope he finds his one true love.
Tumblr, I know that what I told you is so lame, but I just want to let everything out. The thing here is, I hope that my boyfriend will realize how much I love him and how much I care about him. That he might realize that everything I do is for him. That he might realize that I sacrificed everything for him. I even sacrificed my respect to myself because of that “keeping our relationship” thingy. But this time, I want him to fight for our relationship. I know that he will choose his friends over me, but I don’t care, I lose someone important to me in the past. I don’t want to lose someone so important and special to me right now. But, let be the things happen as it is. God knows what to do with it.
Thank you so much Tumblr and more powers to your site.
Hugs and Kisses,